LETTER OF GRATITUDE

At the moment the very known sound of graduation started and the tassel transferred to the right side of my cap, I reimagined all the things happened to me: trials, joy, opportunities and sufferings; and I have prove at that moment, I made it. I have made it with God's help.
When I was about to march towards the aisle of the stage, my mind reminisce all the happiness I have experienced that soon I will leave behind. The faces of those people who became part of my college life and sources of my strength became clearer in my mind. Each memories they made and pages they created came back in a flash. Then when I have touched my diploma, I whispered to my heart, “thank you God for all of these people I met”. These people became part of my story who had their own chapters in my life. I would like to acknowledge them even if it is just inside my heart.
First, to my Marketing Department Family; Ma'am Riza Taopo, Ma'am Chona Niñal and Mr. Robert Salazar who taught me enough knowledge and skills that I need to have so I can face the world outside. I have discovered the joy working in the field of marketing. I saw the door of opportunities by welcoming and exposing me on the path I need to cross. Those tips, encouragements and advises helped me a lot. Thank you.
To my Editorial Board Family, from the head to its toe, I am very thankful and lucky that I have spent my last year in Asian College with you. The fun and laughter of rush hour and the playful work for the last minute are valuable moments for me – no, it must be priceless. The whole night of works and all events with you guys are unforgettable. My eyes witnessed the things to cherish and those laughters and jokes are still repeating in my mind. Truly Editorial Board members are writers, you have written an eye-catching page in my life. A page that must be read. Of course, our graphic artist were part of it, with them the page became more attractive. To our EIC Grand Master King Gimena, Joseph Macapagal, Shella Perolina together with Jeffrey , My Eugene Gimpaya then his Lisamari Nerval, Al Pagara, Bangs, Bob, Ate MC, my great friend Charlie and my best friend, Ceejhay, thank you.
To the School of Debaters, thank you, yeah this is still debatable. I mean, thank you seems not enough. The confidence I was able to build when I became part of this school is commendable. It equipped me a mind that can easily catch up and make an opinion. Thank you Mr. Alex Gonzales.
Bread Society has a special place in my heart, the society of great wisdom, readers of greatest book and group of people with faith. I found it difficult to put it in words, the feeling of gratitude for all of the experiences I had. It is better for someone to join to understand. It is not about being holy who doesnt commit sins but more on having good attitude, wisdom and understanding in life. So anyone who became part of it will feel thankful to God, for you have found an organization that will play a very special role in your life; Ye, Emelie, Ate Jena, Jhenelyn, KC, Ate Lea, CJ, Cedrick, Mich, Jane, Melvin, Precious, Mr. Jeyo and Sha.
And of course, the organization that I cannot escape to join. Yes it is YES. The organization that gave me a lot of works to do, burdens to carry, time to sacrifice, efforts to put, hardship to endure and most of all, unmeasurable learning experiences that I cannot find and publish in a book. To our adviser, Ms. Leamor, thank you; for all of the shouts I have collected from you, take my warmest appreciation for such wonderful teachings. To all BA students from 1st to 4th year, thank you very much. May these words become enough and suitable to all we experienced inside the school, for the icing melted on our faces and the must hide dance we presented. To my classmates from Masinag you have touched a special part of my heart for those days we have been together.
To Bulatlat Bag Gang who I was always with, thank you for showing me fun that certainly quake my world, for the loud noise and green jokes that ruined my boring life and for being my irreplaceable friends. Because there is only one Abigael Cabungan with unstoppable and unbeatable noise that wake my sleeping heart to have a lively life; there is only one Leslie Chan that made my mind dull but such a darling in my heart; there is only one Mommy Lourdes Bacani who showed love and care that must be appreciated; only one Ate MC Villarin who cleared my noisy environment and hold a trophy of trust and honor. There is only one kind of Rechel Abalajen who is very rare to find, a friend. And of course, my best friend who became my bridge to all opportunities, Carlo James Jagnaan. Thank you for everything. In addition to all BA students who graduated first before us, thank you so much. I would like to mention other important characters in my book of life. To my excellent friend Shareyde Navarro who made my head explode but sharpen my potential. The lady who gave meanings and prove my skills. The great bearer of my stories. To my hyper active friend, the king of all noises and comments, the owner of great laugh and my smiler; Ariel Gimpaya. To my favorite little brother R.E. Bagunu who measured my patience and knowledge and tested my endurance and public service, the one who broke and repair my ego. To Roy Bonilla who left me without a word, my little Kei sungit, Von Visco of fun loving dances, sweet Angela, Lester, Aidyl, Berba, to my close friend Jenneriza Dela Cruz who always there to support me, to Simon, my pekeng INFJ, Jen, Ate Glaiza, to all ACT and CS classmates, to all Asian College Staff: Mr. Jonray, Ms. Collen, Ms. Edith, Ms. Gwen, Mr. Andrew, Mr. Darwin, Ms. May, Mr. Ed, Mr. Ben and to other professors and pioneer employees of ACSAT: Mr. Rael, Ms. Daluma, Mr. Acoba, Mr. Sacay, to my valuable friend Jayjo Ingalla who I cared most and to my special friend Peter Eli Buluran who became my source of inspiration though I guess he do not know that. The person who became my foundation of smile without his knowledge. Thank you so much for everything. You became not only my inspiration but part of my achievements in life thanks to those who have successfully did catfishing on me. But I will keep you in my heart even those things happened were not real.

I will treasure all of these. Something I can reminisce that will make me smile and inspiration to endure and strive once I am in the life of workaholic unmarried man who is just working to satisfied the need of others. Again thank you all for everything.

FLIPPED CELEBRATION

Whenever graduation day comes, everyone is excited; whereas, if it is possible they will all attend the most awaited event of their son and/or daughter. Certainly, they will prepare for that day, for almost all efforts in studying are paid off for the celebrant. There will be new things to wear from suits and dress to pair of shoes. Various jewelries will shine on their body, hair will change their style and even the color of their eyes. They will find it difficult to decide what food to prepare or in what place they will go after graduation. A lot of preparation needs to be done. No one like to miss this special event, and if possible to capture all minutes of the event they will try to bring their best moment capturer to take it; there will be flashes in all sides of the place and beautiful smiles shine on everyone's faces. Oh what a gladness on this day for the achiever, his or her whole family will celebrate for his or her achievement.

However, not for this one...

NEVER FALL IN LOVE: FRIEND

NEVER FALL IN LOVE

presents

a love story of someone who wants to become a 

FRIEND

INSPIRED AT FIRST SIGHT

My name is Shy, quiet and smart student; maybe my friends thought I do not fall in love that is why this unusual love story happened to me. Perhaps it is true until PE came to my life. I remember the first day I saw PE, I was inspired by PE's back and I aspire to know PE's name. I want to become PE's friend so I tried to become smart in our Accounting and Business Math class; hoping PE will ask for help. Thus, on the last day of our Accounting class, on our final examination it happened. But not the way I planned. PE sat beside my best friend who sits next to me. My best friend often ask me how to answer situational questions and I am always ready to help. But when I heard PE is asking my best friend for help as well, all of my senses focused on that location. I cannot endure it. I felt like volcano forcing not to erupt. So I took over the spotlight and answered the question without permission. In the end, PE thanked both of us. I will never forget that moment, PE said to me, "thanks huh". Such a great accomplishment in my life.

THE SECOND TIME

I thought we will never see each other again since we took different courses, so I gave up my goal to become PE's friend. But it seems destiny have plans for us. We became classmates again in Economics. I was surprised in addition to being inspired, sprinkled by joy that I might fulfill my goal. Then my other friend, Dang, confessed to me and my best friend, Dang likes PE. I overreacted when I heard it because I can use that opportunity to become PE's friend. Unfortunately, they misunderstood my overwhelmed reaction and started to tease me whenever PE is around. I ignored that shipping and continue with my own way. I proactively help PE in our projects and assignments without the knowledge of my other friends then we became friends in Facebook, finally.

MYSTERIOUS CONFLICT

PE and my best friend became friends as well and they became textmate too. My best friend is smart and fun to be with: blessed by good humor and social skills so I am not surprise that they become friends. I am happy that they become close so quick, though sometimes I wish I can reach that level of friendship but I do not have those things to offer. My close friend, who is PE's classmate had a phone call when we were together with some of my classmates. That was PE who wants to talk to me - for real! However my name is Shy so I am shy to take the phone call in front of my classmates who are already blushing and preparing to scream once I take the call. But I rather miss the chance than to mislead those murmuring classmates that PE and I have something between us. The semester is about to end and I am very grateful that we became friends until my best friend told me about PE's text, "I hate you, I don't want to talk to you anymore". PE hates me because I didn't pick up the phone call and I am denying something as per my best friend which I don't know what is that. So I used my remaining savings to buy a mobile phone just to communicate with PE and to stop using my best friend as our way of communication to lessen the risk of misunderstanding. I got PE's number from my close friend and I immediately send a message to ask what happened. However, I didn't receive any response. 

GLIMPSE OF FANTASY

After a week, I received a reply almost immediately from PE after I sent a message that I will give a birthday present. As expected, PE refuse to have a gift from me because I am still denying something. When I asked for clarification, PE texted me. "is it not obvious, I like you". I was shocked for what I have read. My mind doubted the message and tried to re read it as many as I can to verify its meaning. However it only falls to one interpretation, PE likes me. I do not understand but I smiled and started to chill. The world stopped moving just to let me conceive the meaning and waited for me to realize it was real. PE reasoned out, " I am ready to break up with Ace just for you". Shock is the only reaction portraited on my face after knowing that the person I admire loves me. The message slowly penetrated my mind and resounded in my ears. I felt something in my chest that discombobulate and accelerate the beats of my heart. Bliss is not enough to describe what I have felt and I cannot find any word that will suit the reigning emotion that I never had before. It was completely unspeakable sensation and I dare even the world's paradise cannot compete the wonder of that moment I understood it. From a wide-opened lips, a masterpiece appeared: a beautiful smile. But in the middle of my dream I withdrew my romantic vision because I know PE is just an aspiration.

INNER WORLD DISCUSSION

As a good friend, I never want to take advantage of someone's feelings nor ruin someone's relationship. Friendship is my main objective and love is just behind of it but romance is trying to fuel love to overcome friendship. I do not want to lose PE but I also do not want to do something againts my principles. So an inner world war begun inside me, and the two rulers discussed the path to be taken. Is it right to choose the heart or to follow the mind is a must? The feeling of being loved by someone and become so special is a chance I never had before and I may not have in the future. Moreover, if I refuse the unimaginable confession I may lose a special friend that I never want to happen. So I asked myself, why it is hard to choose what makes me happy even it seems unacceptable? Then both my heart and mind stopped arguing and I got a peaceful answer - silence. So I let the lovely wind sway my whole being to somewhere I wish to be at - to love and to be loved. I will never know the answer if I will not try and I will never know what it feels like if I will not experience it. If someone loves me, why will I not return the love? If this is what PE's wish then I will do my best to grant it. Thus, I bet all keys of my core and let all walls fall. Perhaps I can be loved and I am allowed to fall in love. So I entered the flame of situation and responded with all of my emotions, I love you.

A SPECIAL EMOTION

Verily, a response straight from the heart will cease any roaring emotions. The moment that I am about to lose a special friend was saved by that wonderful phrase. It seems PE just want to hear my true feelings to pacify the stormy sea and deep inside me I feel free. The lightness after the heavy feelings is remarkable. It was an achievement to celebrate that I overcome the hesitation to open up. Now I feel great after bringing out my heart. Then a book of plans laid in my mind to walkthrough. At last, I have someone to be with, whom I can share the beauty of life and show the world inside my heart. Truly a special someone who will enjoy my genuine care and will have all I have. Drowned by glamour I am still filled with questions: what is this magic I felt? Is this the love I am looking for so long? I want to know and I want to make it sure before I truly fall in love.

LIKE A DREAM

Every night is so special because I have someone who chooses me and loves me. The excitement to see PE again is immeasurable and whenever I reimagine the moment I realized that I become so special to someone it gives me a chill. A chill that redefine who you are and appraise your importance. This type of emotion is something I want to feel ever now and then. This gives me smile for the whole day of work and I patiently waiting that the time will come PE will return for enrollment. Then the true meaning of joy will be realized at the moment our eyes see each other. The emotion we shared through text messages will come to reality and I bet I will treasure that memory for my whole life once I see PE's face smiling at me.

TURNING NIGHTMARE

But just like a dream, we don't know when it will become a nighmare or when it will become real. One night, we argued over a simple thing then PE stopped communicating. Surprisingly, my best friend told me everything, yeah, my best friend knows everything. It seems that they are still communicating and I am about to feel jealous because of it. I want to be confused by the reason of their communication but I was not in a good shape to handle complicated things. The friendship that I am aiming for is very apparent between them, while I am in the middle of nowhere. I covet the trust they have with each other, which is why my best friend knows everything and now become once again our bridge of communication. PE stopped texting me because I am unable to stand for my feelings since I told my best friend that I just don't want to lose PE so I entered our not so romantic situation. I felt guilty for it is true that I rather choose friendship that will not end than a relationship without assurance that will last but I know for sure that I fell in love from that moment PE confessed to me. Although my guts is telling me to give up but my heart values and keeps holding PE's confession. As long as I am being loved, I will stay in love.

SUDDEN BURST

I still didn't receive any response despite of all tricks I come up to require PE in responding. So I took advantage of my position and obtain PE's information so I may able to see PE in person then have a quick conversation. But the most awaited moment has come, PE is on the floor for enrollment. This fragile little creature went out to assist and forgot that we had something to talk about. All worries had faded away and created a smile on my face at the moment I saw PE again in person. I don't feel any presence of hatred or awkwardness not even sweetness between us, we talked just like the old us. And I even said to PE that I will visit their house and PE agreed then advise me to take a ride when visiting. Due to over happiness I didn't bother to copy PE's other phone number. So right after my shift I started to walk following the map I got from the computer. When I am in the front of their house I send PE a message but a sudden change of mood happened. PE didn't like me visiting their house. PE will not go out to see me because Ace is in their house. Confusion consumed me since I thought I got an approval to visit but now I am not allowed to do so. And Ace is with PE, they never separated. I felt like I am being played but the PE I know is not like that. If they never separated then I am fine with that. I will be happy to stay as a friend. But there are some confusion and inconsistencies I am feeling but my heart keeps on defending PE, not even my mind is believing that PE has the quality to fool others. So I started to walk and go home crying inside me. I want to fall on the ground and lose my consciousness. I don't have energy left to use in walking. I cannot even cry because of that unbelievable revelation. I, myself cannot accept the fact and keeps rewinding all previous happenings to investigate if PE showed any glimpse of that attitude. But I never witnessed any sign of it. Did I miss anything? Am I wrong thinking PE is such a good person? I went home with wandering thoughts and sleep half awake.

BROKEN PIECE

Then an unexpected message came to thrust me, "OK I made my decision, if you think I am hurting you, fine. Delete my number in your phone book and forget me. Stop treating me special. I will treat you like an ordinary schoolmate. It hurts, bye". My heart exploded to pieces and my mind wiped out all my thoughts. Moment stopped to move and prefer not to continue anymore. I felt empty in the middle of emptiness. The light I saw before is turning to darkness. Love redefine joy and introduce death. This is more than all the sadness I have felt and greater than any physical pain I experienced. I didn't even notice that I am crying. The sudden burst of pain killed my senses and I rather choose to live without emotion. I didn't imagine that I will feel this kind of pain and I never thought that this is what I will obtain. Thus, this will be the first and the last time I will fall in love. If I don't want to be hurt then I will avoid getting hurt. Why did I fall in this trap? If I didn't desire to get more than what I aimed for, then I will not feel this regret. I chased love but I only caught pain. I shouldn't believe that I will have a happy life in this selfish world. I shouldn't fall in love in the first place.

WAKING UP FROM A DREAM

Another school year has started and we see each other again. Just like what PE said, I will be treated just like an ordinary schoolmate. It was amazing that PE can treat me like that with ease and without bitterness. While here I am, still unable to move on. Thinking what I have done wrong. Did PE really choose me but decided to go back to Ace because I am not good enough? Whatever is the reason, I still value the moment PE confessed to me. What most important is there was a time I become special, someone valued me and chose me, even we were not together, that moment is already part of history that will not change anymore. So I need to let go if that what's PE's want. Thus, I have sent a message to PE's Facebook to apologize and say goodbye.

"Before we end, I just want to let you know that I don't want to ruin your relationship, I have told you that before. I support both of you. Ace loves you and you also love Ace. I just want you to become my friend because I thought I can lean on you whenever I feel down. What hurts me and what I want to know; the reason I went to your house, is if you value me and treated me as a friend. All of the things I have done for you is for our friendship. Is it not enough or is it too much? I love you as a friend. I just went crazy because of your confession since you are the first person who told me that. It is up to you if you still want me to be your friend after all has been done. But whether you close the door for friendship, I will still value you in secret. That's how I am loyal to you in my heart. Sorry for the trouble I have caused and if I cannot be true to myself. That's what I would like to tell you but you ignored me. Goodbye my special friend. It is up to you if you want to start a new friendship with me."

PE responded, "?", followed by "ok".

So quick and so confusing but satisfying since this will only mean, PE accepted my apology.

NEW DAY

Just like what I have said to PE, I will keep on loving and supporting in secret. So whenever I see PE needs help, I secretly make a move and ask someone to give it to PE. PE still talks to me just like what we do before the confession and I am happy that PE chose to continue our friendship. Thus, I put a lot of efforts to help whether PE is with Ace or not, I don't care. I am smart and I will use that as my gear to maintain my connection even as a friend. I even gave PE a bookmark as a sign that we reach our anniversary as a friend. That was the day PE talked to me after our accounting final examination but it was 16th of July when I first saw PE during our business math class. I don't care if I was ignored but PE let me do what makes me happy, to showcase my care. But whenever I look at PE, I don't feel the emotion I felt before. But whenever I tried to re-read our previous conversation I felt the same emotion. The love and hurt it brought me. I told my excellent friend who became my confidant, perhaps I never fell in love with the person, I fell in love with the idea of PE - loving me.

TIME HAS COME

The time has come. PE and Ace got separated for real, I got the news from our murmuring classmates who are still sailing the ship. Although I don't aspire to become a replacement but I may shine at this moment. And just like that, PE came to me asking for help from a student assistant who have connection with school staff. PE is applying for scholarship through working as a crew in a fast food chain and there were many students who applied for this program so PE has a low chance to get it. Then a strong will came to me. I overcome my shyness and take advantage my connection to ask for consideration. I even confess to them that I like PE so they will take care of it. I went over my limit for the person who made me fall in love and never fall again. That effort wasn't wasted and PE's application got approved. PE is so thankful because of this and I am surprised for what I have done for PE since I don't do that. But sometimes you can do more than what you can do because someone is making you strong. 

BACKFIRE

PE started to work while studying just like me and I can see the tireness at the back every time we had a class. I always see PE dozing off and I felt concern. So I do what I can do, to help PE in terms of studying and doing assignments. We don't even have a time to talk because PE needs to go out for work. It backfire to me, especially when PE got another special someone. It was Kei, PE's coworker. But not like Ace, I can sense Kei as a good person so I am still happy about it since I know I cannot be on that place. As long as I can see my loveone is happy, I will be happy as well even it is because of someone else. And they do. They really do.

BEFORE THE DISASTER

Our graduation is at hand, I am so used to this play. Caring someone at the distance without expecting love in return and being teased by my classmates whenever PE is around. Whether they support me or otherwise, I don't care. That's probably the attitude of someone who is already moved on and satisfied with what we currently have. Just friends. But my best friend and these classmates had a fight and they withhold grudges and ignore each others. I cannot stand seeing them like that so I talked to my classmates asking for understanding and consider my best friend's shortcomings. I knew my best friend since childhood so I know this will come to pass and they will soon be okay. But they disagree and shoved my face that they knew my best friend better than I do. I objected and defended our 13 years of friendship. Little I realize that they carry a bomb that will soon destroy all the things I hold.

HIDDEN TRUTH

Then the bomb has come to shatter me: the reason of all unusual circumstances that happened and the answer to my gut feeling that made me wonder. Just like that, my classmate told me that the PE I am texting before is not actually PE but my best friend. They were in group reading and laughing my responses while at that time I was troubled and confused on what to do. They were having fun that I am gullible until they realized I fell for it and they decided to suddenly stop. They have kept this secret for almost 3 years while witnessing my effort in caring someone at the distance. But I didn't feel any hatred towards my best friend but a lot of questions filled my whole being. If I was a friend of my best friend this will not happen to me. Am I not a friend? So I run to my close friend to vent but I was pulverised for the second time around. My close friend knew it all along, the phone number provided to me was my best friend's other phone number. Doubt consumed me and my confidence as a good person is melting for only the otherwise is worthy to be fooled. I am not worthy but now I am. Worthy to be fooled.

LATE REALIZATION

That was the reason why my best friend knew everything and their questionable closeness was now cleared. I even jealous about something which is not real. That was why I saw a different phone number written by PE during enrollment and I was told to ride a vehicle if I will visit their house. That was the reason the PE I knew is different from the PE I am messaging. So I was right that the PE I know will not discard me like that but will also not love me. The gut feeling of something is not right is actually right. The reason I felt nothing towards the real PE is now unfold and the truth that no one values me is the actual reality. There is no actually someone who choose and love me but there are many out there who I thought are caring but in reality are fooling me.

DREAM IN ITS MEANING

Then I just realized, I am alone all along. Everything is just an imagination. I thought I have a best friend. My close friend is not actually my close friend. They are only in my head. And that moment I treasure most that someone likes me and chooses me never existed. Those people I value most are the people who devalued me and the person I admire most is just an idea created by lies. I never fell in love with the person, nor the idea that someone likes me because in reality it never happened. Then to whom and to what I fell in love with? That love I have felt become senseless and I become nonsense too. What an existential crisis.

AWAKEN

What a shame on me, when I realized that I have sent a long dramatic message to real PE who responded a "?" then decided to just say "ok". This gives me cringe feeling whenever I remember this - why did I do that? So that was the reason PE was able to communicate to me without any bitterness because there was nothing to be bitter of. But I am still satisfied because we really became friends and I even did something againts the rule for PE; submitting an answer sheet for PE in our Accounting class because the instructor is leaving and PE is still at work. Even I already know that the love I felt is just a joke, my care to all of my friends is real and PE will always be my special friend who has a special place in my heart whether that magic I felt is just an illusion, the real PE is someone I care in my real world. I made the real PE appreciate me after showcasing my care while I was under the spell of lies created by my best friend. Those good deeds never become a waste, since helping a friend will always have a special value in my heart, especially if it is to my special friend PE.

NEVER FALL IN LOVE

I just buried the revelation and waited for my best friend to tell me the truth. Although until now my best friend didn't talk about it, I already gave the forgiveness to a sorry I will never hear. It is already enough to experience this traumatic love circumstances and got a picture with my special friend PE because of my best friend. I will never forget the handshake we had before graduation that already paid off all of my efforts. Our first contact. This unreal love story gave a lesson to me that people out there cannot be trusted whether they are your friends or not, never fall in love my friend and bet your whole trust to anyone. Even now I never fall in love again, I will choose not. 

...end

Aspiration’s Escapade

YESTERDAY 

When the wind was new and clean “I need to follow the rules” 

“Nakakahiya, anong gagawin ko?” 

Every drop is clear and counted before the vapor mix the zephyr of the beach 

Waiting for the instruction, waiting to be called and waiting for my turn. 

The day has ended and the night will come 

-no permit, no exam 

-no library card, no book; no computer 

-not fully paid, not invited 

No, no, no, no 

Sunset shines it's best light, perfect to be the greatest art. But like a mushroom that grows; but no one knows. Like vapors of the ocean that suddenly go. 

 

THE DAY OF TODAY 

A promise to learn, a swear of highest grades and a pledge to achieve the prestige of a student.  Challenge comes again, surprising the new comer, desiring to hinder the chance to be better

“Surrender or fight” 

“Persist or give up” 

Moving forward with silence might be a sign of giving up but until I got a dead end I will continue to show how to fight 

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY 

Potter molds the clay.  

Fruits are the latter flowers. 

Every best achievement starts with a letter “A” 

Assignments are efficient 

Quizzes are perfect 

Project is the best 

Exam is the highest 

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW 

Season of harvest 

At the edge of every challenges, amids the battle of rage 

Innocent turned to a sage 

The little drop is being acknowledged  

Now I see the changes 

Now I feel the progress 

Though not the greatest 

Surely, learning will be endless